What really happens in couples counselling

Plenty of couples put off counselling because they're not sure what they're signing up for. Some picture being told who's right and who's wrong. Others imagine airing all their dirty laundry while a stranger takes notes. Couples often tell me they’re worried that they’ll just spend the first session arguing and leave worse off. So here's what it's really like.

Nobody plays referee

A good couples counsellor doesn't take sides and doesn't hand down a verdict on who's to blame. That's not the job, and it wouldn't help anyway. The work is to understand what's happening between you — the patterns, the misunderstandings, the things each of you needs — not to score the argument. You won't be ganged up on, and neither will your partner.

It's about the pattern, not the blame

Most couples arrive convinced the problem is the other person. What usually emerges is that the problem is a dynamic you're both caught in — a cycle where each of you is reacting to the other. Seeing that together takes a lot of the heat out of it, because you stop being opponents and start looking at the thing you're both stuck in.

You'll both get heard

A big part of why couples get stuck is that neither person feels truly heard. Counselling is a calmer space than your kitchen at 9pm, where each of you can say what's going on and actually be understood — sometimes for the first time in a long while.

You'll come away with more than talk

It's not just an hour of rehashing. Good couples work gives you practical things to try between sessions — different ways to handle the flashpoints, to repair after a fight, to hear each other when it counts. The aim is change you can use at home, not just insight in the room.

The first session

The first session is mostly about understanding your situation — what's brought you in, how things got here, and what each of you is hoping for. No one's going to force a breakthrough in the first hour. It's also your chance to see whether the counsellor feels like a fit for both of you.

If one of you is reluctant

It's very common for one partner to be keener than the other. If that's you, that's alright — a lot of good work starts with someone who came along unconvinced. You won't be put on trial for being the hesitant one.

If things between you have been hard going, couples counselling in Adelaide or online is a low-pressure place to start working it out together.