Understanding IFS: Inner Parts and the Self
Many people come to therapy feeling confused about their inner world. One part of them might want to make changes but another part is resisting it. Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a simple way of understanding this inner complexity. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as problems, IFS understands them as parts of us — each trying, in its own way, to help.
At the heart of this approach is an attitude of compassion: there is nothing wrong with you. Even the parts you dislike or feel ashamed of have a positive intention.
So, What Are ‘Parts’?
In IFS, a part is a sub-personality with its own perspective, emotions, beliefs and role. We all have different parts. This isn’t a problem — it’s just how our minds naturally work.
For example, you might have:
A part that worries and scans for danger
A part that pushes you to achieve and perform
A part that shuts down or numbs out
A part that feels young, vulnerable or overwhelmed
These parts often developed in response to earlier experiences, especially situations where your needs weren’t fully met or where you had to adapt to stay safe or accepted.
Over time, they can become stuck in rigid roles, repeating the same strategies long after they’re needed.
Why Parts Can Feel So Extreme
When a part is activated, it can feel like it’s who you are.
You don’t experience it as ‘a part of me is anxious’ — you experience being anxious.
IFS calls this blending: when a part takes over. It’s like the part is now in the director’s seat and running the show.
Blended parts often speak in absolute terms:
‘I have to get this right’
‘Something bad is going to happen’
‘I’m failing’
The more these parts feel unheard or threatened, the louder and more extreme they become.
Three Categories of Parts
IFS groups parts into three categories.
Exiles
These are the parts that carry pain emotions— fear, shame, grief, loneliness or helplessness. They are often younger parts that were formed early in life.
Because their feelings can be overwhelming, the system tries to keep them out of awareness. It’s like they are locked up in the basement.
Protectors
Protectors work hard to prevent the pain of the exiles from breaking through. There are two types of protectors: managers and firefighters.
Managers usually steer the ship in your daily life. They might present with:
Perfectionism
Over-thinking
People-pleasing
Firefighters are activated when the pain of an exile begins to break through. This might present as:
Emotional shutdown
Distraction or compulsive habits
Anger or impulsivity
Even when their strategies are unhelpful or self-sabotaging, protectors are not the enemy. They are just doing the best they can. All parts have positive intentions.
The Self: Your Natural Centre
One of the most important ideas in IFS is that you are more than just your parts.
Beneath the activity of thoughts, emotions and protective strategies of parts is what IFS calls the Self.
The Self is not something you have to create or achieve. It’s your natural state when parts are not overwhelmed or trying to control things.
When the Self is present, certain qualities naturally arise — often referred to as the 8 Cs:
Calm
Curiosity
Compassion
Clarity
Confidence
Courage
Creativity
Connectedness
IFS therapy is less about ‘fixing’ parts, and more about helping parts trust the leadership of the Self.
Healing through Relationship, Not Control
A key difference in IFS is moving away from trying to control, suppress or get rid of parts. These strategies might work in the short term but can also lead to resistance and inner conflict.
Change doesn’t happen through force.
It happens through relationship and begins with acceptance.
When parts feel seen, respected and understood, rather than judged, they begin to soften. Protectors relax when they realise that you as the Self can handle what they’ve been guarding against.
Healing in IFS isn’t about analysing your way out of pain or struggling against it. It’s about turning toward your inner experience with curiosity and care.
Bringing It into Daily Life
You don’t need to see a therapist to start working with parts.
You can begin by noticing what’s happening inside of you without blending with it or judging it:
“A part of me feels anxious right now.”
“A part of me is trying very hard to stay in control.”
“Something in me feels hurt.”
That small shift in language creates space. It separates you from the part, allowing the Self to come forward and lead. From that state, you can turn towards your inner parts with curiosity and acceptance.
Over time, this way of relating to your inner world can reduce inner conflict, increase self-compassion and create a deeper sense of wholeness.